"And then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking-stick." ~ JRR Tolkien, The HobbitSo I leaped a couple weeks ago. A mini leap, if you will. Nothing great, or huge, or amazing. Except actually it was? Not to anyone else but me (and God!), of course, but that's okay. Because it was fairly incredible for me! And I seem to get reminded of how incredible it is whenever I begin to speak of the New to someone else who hasn't heard it yet. (Which turns out to happen a great deal, as I haven't shared this New with hardly anybody prior to now! Not the details anyway.)
I've had small little convos here and there with just a few in my life that I decided it high time they knew where my heart was reaching. It's during these serious convos that I forget how exciting it is! I get focused on the Hard and the Unknown, because believe me, those things are there and quite big. Yet as I sit here contemplating (only in my own heart) all the details and the what ifs and the unknowns and all the scary, I am filled yet again with a heart-beating-loud excitement! (Or maybe it's because I'm currently sitting in my newest fave spot, a quaint little coffee shop that just gets my creative heart pumping hard. :) It's true, there is much to contemplate before I jump off the ledge into God's arms. I know He'll be there, but I want to be sure that He wants me there, off this particular ledge I mean.
I was talking with a friend last week and he stated exactly what I was feeling but couldn't put in words. Approximately a month ago, when this door suddenly made itself known to me, I stood in front of it for days and days, staring and praying and contemplating. Wanting to be absolutely certain that God wanted me to go through it. Finally that moment came when I knew it was time to step over the threshold. But now, I no longer have as much time to just stand and contemplate the roads before me! I'm still praying and seeking, don't get me wrong, but I'm learning that the praying and seeking have to come mid-stride, not while standing still in one place. I have to keep going, keep walking, and each time I raise my foot and lower it down, I want to be certain that I'm moving in the direction that God is leading me.
That's tough, friends! It's the obedience in action. Which, I know, is so much of our constant daily lives, but it simply feels way different when I'm moving towards a scary and BIG change and direction! And all the potentials for moving out in the wrong direction seem bigger too. Because I want certainty. And obedience in action doesn't always bring immediate certainty. Or maybe it does? I'm not clear on this quite yet. God and I obviously still have much to chat about!
Really, I think it's more of a faith thing. Faith that brings obedience that brings action. How much of what I'm thinking and praying about am I willing to step out in faith for? Am I going to continue to doubt and wonder whether this certain path is where God is leading? (I mean, He's clearly put it in my heart, otherwise I wouldn't be so focused and unable to think about anything else. He never places things and options in our path if He didn't want us to pray about them, right?) Or am I going to stop the doubt RIGHT HERE and move forward without it? How much am I trusting my Father? How much am I willing to surrender? Everything? Because until I can surrender it all, I'm probably not going to get very far...
Yet I was just reminded of those verses in Mark chapter 5, where it's talking about the lady with the issue of blood and how she gets healed. We read through that chapter several months ago during church one Sunday and this particular verse has been stuck in my heart ever since:
vs 34 "And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole..."
And also this one:
vs 36 "As soon as Jesus heard the word that was spoken, he saith unto the ruler of the synagogue, Be not afraid, only believe."
"Something Tookish" has been gripping my heart for months, for years even, and I think it's high time I paid attention. My heart has been stymied by all manner of doubt and fear, even while everything else within me is screaming to go for it. So why am I listening to the doubt? Why am concentrating so heavily on the what ifs? What if God is simply waiting for me to let go and move? I want to be determined to stop the fears and doubts right now, right here, right this very second. When everything in me says YES, YES, YES. It looks big, yes. It looks hard, yes. It looks uncomfortable and crazy and all manner of things, yes. But where in God's Word does it say I need to be concerned with uncomfortable and crazy? So this is me, reminding myself again.
God's got this! He's got me. Cradled right there in His arms and He'll never let me go.