Grief is a strangeness of Being
tears seeming always at the ready
here where it's raw
& close by
Storms come as quick as they go
it's the chasm that hurts
jagged edges
Somewhere HOPE is hiding
just out of sight
(for the moment)
& at the instant I fear I'm lost
out it shines
& True



It's been a journey, mom
Filled with moments we'd never imagined
Struggles & Hard came fierce
but so did the Happy
Onward you'd go
so worried you were a burden
never wanting to put anyone out
but always determined!
Your strength amazed us all
(even to the very end)
& your spirit, mom
your gentleness
your very heart was kindness
& love
No one met you but immediately smiled
you were just that way
(& never even realized)
As your body became more broken
never once did you falter
or complain
(if you did, we knew it was serious)
One by one the losses came
& you slowly adjusted
so did we
Yet we knew this day was coming
this Final Goodbye
First it was the Pause & Wait
as if this world held its very breath
(our world did)
Then it was the Precious
the hand squeeze
the eyes open
the laugh
treasures worth more than anything!
& now it's the After
the letting go & letting God
He took your hand
& led you up to Heaven
where your new body was waiting
Oh the comfort in that, mom!
to picture you walking with Jesus
no more wheelchair
no pain
no Hard
only JOY!
& Happiness!
& Jesus!
Save a place for us, okay?
& when our time comes
we expect you with arms wide open
(after Jesus, of course)
Until then, we'll live
with hearts filled to overflowing
Knowing it will be okay
we'll make it
slowly but surely
changed in all the best ways
You were amazing, mom
& we are so grateful
We love you
We miss you
Forever & Always



remind me

When my heart runs ahead
hold me back
& remind me
You doeth all things well
When my tired mind wonders
& my selfishness seems rampant
remind me
You understand
Every strange emotion all akilter
Every tear sweeping down my face
Every single thing I know that I'm losing
(for a mother is far more than just one)
Every heartache I seek to abate
Every unexplainable moment
You know it all
You listen to every fear
You wrap Your arms about me
& remind me
the Hard will continue
grief may linger
but each step of the future
You are here
& that will NEVER CHANGE.



I'm sitting by her bedside
her heart slowing
her hands now laying quiet
(after so many days of unrest)
& oh! the peace on her face
She's bravely fought
day by day
with a body that felt no longer her own
Yet her smiles burst out
(even through tears)
& though frustrations came often
Courageous & Fearless
she'd make the struggle
Bruised though she may be
yet the victor still
For He is waiting in the wings
arms open wide
& giving us just one moment more
to love her on up to Jesus



Sometimes all the crazy in the world is far away
& life is just
The wild unknowns have circled and spun in a myriad of directions
& as the dark pulls hard
Hope refuses to give up
the thump of a heartbeat
the whoosh of a breath
the fingers gripping hard
the strength of a thousand in one tiny, frail frame
As each strand gently breaks
sweeping her into a glorious Forever
He is near
& that makes all the difference.


the journey

Mom's gone.

That's hard to believe, to be honest. I know it's true, but somehow it still feels all unreal. Like this isn't really my reality, even though it is. My mind is a wild, unpredictable, unknown at the moment.

Remember back a few weeks ago when I wrote about a friend who is Not Okay? Little did I know that I would be talking to myself in just a matter of days! Because I'm Not Okay right now. It's such a weird thing, to lose a mother. And as I process the journey, I'll probably need to post stuff. Hopefully it won't be depressing because even though it hurts, mom's journey to Heaven is SO not depressing! It was a beautiful and amazing experience. But now it's the After and I have to learn to deal. God has been so gracious throughout the last three weeks and He will continue to get me through. I don't doubt that for a single minute.

I don't really have any words of wisdom right now, I simply have my emotions all haywire and my thoughts running all over. And I need to find the words and put them in black and white. If anyone is reading these next posts, however many there are, I hope you don't mind. Like I said, I need to process and this is one way that helps.

Thanks for listening.