At that moment
(that most unexpected moment)
when all the world was seemingly asleep
(except me)
the phone rang
( :: missed call :: )
a message was left
( :: voicemail :: )
my heart sprang up with delight
(quickly dialing and .... *smile*)
and for just a few minutes
(a happy few minutes)
the sun was shining bright even in the dark
:)
4/5/16
3/26/16
Deeper
There we were, all six of us. Sitting at a table together, partaking of lunch, and searching for things we had in common. Considering that of the six of us, we attend five different churches, and also the fact that we didn't all know one another, we understood from the getgo that we had differences. But the one who had brought us together had her commonalities with each of us, so surely the rest of us could find them with each other! Finding similarities though...? It takes commitment. It takes time. It takes listening and talking and opening of hearts and fears and hopes and dreams.
It takes the heart stuff.
It takes skipping past all the weather questions and the "how are you"s and the general small talk that some are so good at. Me? Not so much. Give me your hopes and prayer requests and the parts of your life that you struggle with. Because that's where I'm going to understand you. That's where the other five ladies and I understood one another today! We sat and looked at each other and decided we were just going to go for it.
The eyes, they looked at your face as you spoke.
The ears, they listened attentively.
The mouths, they spoke confidently sometimes and hesitantly others.
The hearts, they opened and love fell in.
And the commonalities? They rushed in like the wind. The heads were nodding, the smiles of understanding popped up, the hands reaching out to reassure and simply administer touch. (The feel of another person who cares can make a world of a difference, can't it? Whether it's a squeezing of the hand, hugging tightly, a hand on the shoulder, or even a hand around the shoulder. Touch heals.)
Just a simple lunch and yet oh so complicated. Because the heart stuff? It's hard, my friends. Sharing the struggle, searching for words to describe all the feels, it requires vulnerability and giving up of self. And self does not like to be given up, let me tell you! But you look into the eyes of another person and you see the love there, you see the gentleness and the sweetness of persuasion, of someone who truly wants to know, and the fears can slip away like water.
Relationships were meant for this! Relationships were meant to go deeper into the heart and soul of a person and draw out the fear, doubt, pain, all the hard, and replace it with understanding and hope! Because hope makes such a difference. And we all need reminded of this. We forget, we make the struggle and loneliness comes, and our hearts build walls. Tall ones. Big ones. Thick ones.
But love? And hope? And people who understand? And who seek to know and help and pray? Walls come tumbling down by those things.
And hearts are knit together, eyes are lifted up, and God is smiling.
Peace.
It takes the heart stuff.
It takes skipping past all the weather questions and the "how are you"s and the general small talk that some are so good at. Me? Not so much. Give me your hopes and prayer requests and the parts of your life that you struggle with. Because that's where I'm going to understand you. That's where the other five ladies and I understood one another today! We sat and looked at each other and decided we were just going to go for it.
The eyes, they looked at your face as you spoke.
The ears, they listened attentively.
The mouths, they spoke confidently sometimes and hesitantly others.
The hearts, they opened and love fell in.
And the commonalities? They rushed in like the wind. The heads were nodding, the smiles of understanding popped up, the hands reaching out to reassure and simply administer touch. (The feel of another person who cares can make a world of a difference, can't it? Whether it's a squeezing of the hand, hugging tightly, a hand on the shoulder, or even a hand around the shoulder. Touch heals.)
Just a simple lunch and yet oh so complicated. Because the heart stuff? It's hard, my friends. Sharing the struggle, searching for words to describe all the feels, it requires vulnerability and giving up of self. And self does not like to be given up, let me tell you! But you look into the eyes of another person and you see the love there, you see the gentleness and the sweetness of persuasion, of someone who truly wants to know, and the fears can slip away like water.
Relationships were meant for this! Relationships were meant to go deeper into the heart and soul of a person and draw out the fear, doubt, pain, all the hard, and replace it with understanding and hope! Because hope makes such a difference. And we all need reminded of this. We forget, we make the struggle and loneliness comes, and our hearts build walls. Tall ones. Big ones. Thick ones.
But love? And hope? And people who understand? And who seek to know and help and pray? Walls come tumbling down by those things.
And hearts are knit together, eyes are lifted up, and God is smiling.
Peace.
3/16/16
Jesus sees
It's so interesting how God works sometimes, isn't it? After pondering for a few weeks, I finally wrote about goodbye's last Friday and then.
Oh my heart, and then...
Another goodbye is happening right now. I woke up yesterday morning none the wiser, having just read a couple sweet stories the night before, all ready to go through my day happy, only to hear the news of a dear friend's passing. And how my heart was a mess the rest of the day!
Long goodbye's are hard, that's very true. But so are short ones. And when they're completely unexpected? When your heart has no preparation? It hurts, friends. I distracted myself with work, with review writing on my book blog, with any number of things that allowed me not to dwell on it. (Because if I'd dwelt on it all day, I'd never have been functional.) But once I was finally driving home, my heart wouldn't be denied anymore. And the tears....oh the tears.
Goodbye's stink!
There, I said it. And it's true. But what I cry most about is for her family. Her children and her husband who have a huge crater of a hole in their lives now. It'll get easier. I hope. But it'll never go away. Because mom's are special people. I was blessed with an amazing mother and even having time to prepare to say goodbye to her is not fun. If I had no preparation time? Ouch, ouch, ouch.
And yet...
I discovered a song last week. It's Jesus Sees by Meredith Andrews and truly this discovery could not have happened at a more perfect moment. I had another dear friend struggling with health problems and heart-fears last week and this song was perfect for her. I had my own heart-fears over the weekend with some hard in my family life and this song was perfect for me. And then comes Tuesday. And oh this song has blessed me, my friends.
How comforting that is, to know we are never alone. Jesus is always right there, ready with arms open. With a hug that draws you inside until you're so enveloped in his warmth and you can hear his heartbeat in your ear. Isn't that a beautiful thought?
How often do we feel forgotten? Especially in the midst of hard? Yet He never, ever has! He knows our smallest and deepest heartbreak. Even the tiniest tear in the dark of night is known and understood. He knows, my friends.
We'll make it. God's right there. Always beside us, reminding us that this is a goodbye for now, not a goodbye forever. Someday we'll see her bright smile again! And yes, it doesn't make the hurt go away. But it makes it easy to bear. Because anticipation and hope make our hearts happier, don't they? And our Father is all about HOPE!
{Shout out to another friend who posted some hopeful thoughts on this over here.}
Oh my heart, and then...
Another goodbye is happening right now. I woke up yesterday morning none the wiser, having just read a couple sweet stories the night before, all ready to go through my day happy, only to hear the news of a dear friend's passing. And how my heart was a mess the rest of the day!
Long goodbye's are hard, that's very true. But so are short ones. And when they're completely unexpected? When your heart has no preparation? It hurts, friends. I distracted myself with work, with review writing on my book blog, with any number of things that allowed me not to dwell on it. (Because if I'd dwelt on it all day, I'd never have been functional.) But once I was finally driving home, my heart wouldn't be denied anymore. And the tears....oh the tears.
Goodbye's stink!
There, I said it. And it's true. But what I cry most about is for her family. Her children and her husband who have a huge crater of a hole in their lives now. It'll get easier. I hope. But it'll never go away. Because mom's are special people. I was blessed with an amazing mother and even having time to prepare to say goodbye to her is not fun. If I had no preparation time? Ouch, ouch, ouch.
And yet...
I discovered a song last week. It's Jesus Sees by Meredith Andrews and truly this discovery could not have happened at a more perfect moment. I had another dear friend struggling with health problems and heart-fears last week and this song was perfect for her. I had my own heart-fears over the weekend with some hard in my family life and this song was perfect for me. And then comes Tuesday. And oh this song has blessed me, my friends.
When you're shattered by grief,
Can't find a reason to sing.
On your hardest of days,
When you're fighting for faith,
You are not alone here.
You are not alone here!
How comforting that is, to know we are never alone. Jesus is always right there, ready with arms open. With a hug that draws you inside until you're so enveloped in his warmth and you can hear his heartbeat in your ear. Isn't that a beautiful thought?
Though you question, though you doubt,
He is running to you now
With perfect love and perfect peace.
He is everything you need.
You are not forgotten,
No, you are not forgotten!
How often do we feel forgotten? Especially in the midst of hard? Yet He never, ever has! He knows our smallest and deepest heartbreak. Even the tiniest tear in the dark of night is known and understood. He knows, my friends.
He is near to the brokenhearted.
Closer still than the air you breathe.
Every tear falling in the darkness,
JESUS SEES
He is faithful in every season,
You are never beyond His reach.
Every hurt that you thought was hidden
JESUS SEES
He meets you in your pain,
He calls you by your name,
He sees,
He understands,
He holds you in his hands.
JESUS SEES.
We'll make it. God's right there. Always beside us, reminding us that this is a goodbye for now, not a goodbye forever. Someday we'll see her bright smile again! And yes, it doesn't make the hurt go away. But it makes it easy to bear. Because anticipation and hope make our hearts happier, don't they? And our Father is all about HOPE!
"Resting in the hope of eternal life, which the ever truthful God who cannot deceive promised before the world or the ages of time began." Titus 1:2 amp
{Shout out to another friend who posted some hopeful thoughts on this over here.}
3/11/16
The Long Goodbye
Goodbye's have been on my mind lately. I've had two close friends have to say goodbye recently, one to her mother and the other to her father. Losing a parent, I can't imagine what that must feel like. Well....I can imagine it! But I know that I can't truly understand. What I can understand is that it's hard. Goodbye's are always hard! Whether they come quickly or over a prolonged period of time.
In fact, I've thought about that very thing several times. Because of my mother's situation, what my family is really dealing with is a Long Goodbye. It's a watching of her slowly going downhill and feeling helpless to make it easier. It's living with the knowledge that she may be here for years and years and end up at the point where she may not know her own family and will definitely be physically unable to even care for herself (she's pretty much at that particular point already). It's a not fun thing, for the record.
But it's a necessary thing. (Why are those sorts usually of the not-fun variety?)
I can't say as I understand why God allowed my family to go through this. But I do trust that He has his reasons and they are good. They are good.
God's Plan is always, always, always for our good and His glory! And as I type those words, as they sink in my heart and mind, I smile. Because that is one of the amazing things about Him. How good He is! How his love is so gracious and kind, even when we struggle to see it. It doesn't always feel that way, does it? Watching a loved one suffer makes you want to do something. You want to fix it! That's a natural reaction, and when we can't fix it, oh how it hurts. We cry out to Jesus and want to know "WHY?!" Sometimes He tells us why, sometimes we have to wait and then He'll tell us or show us, and sometimes we simply may never know.
But someone does.
Have you ever thought about that? Our lives impact everyone around us. Every single person we have any sort of contact with is affected by what we say and do, and how we respond to things. Most of the time we have no idea of this. I'm positive that I've affected several someones that I will never know about. Perhaps in good ways, perhaps not, but the effect is still there. Whether I know it, whether I don't, that doesn't matter. The action and response is already there and gone. And it's important! Every action I do, every word I say, it affects! God created us that way.
So why should my mother's Long Goodbye to this world be any different? It's not. Someone, somewhere, somehow, she's affecting them. She's affecting us! I can see the differences in our own family because of this. Some are good, some not so good, but the point is...we're affected. And if we are, then I'm sure there's other people. I've had multiple people tell me how much they admire her and how she's handled her limitations.
Which leads me back to my original point. Long goodbye's are hard, but necessary. And whatever reasons God has for them, as hard as they are, as much as you wish it wasn't happening, still God is good. He's got this. He'll be with us every step of the way, surrounding us with His love and His care. All we have to do?
Is trust.
In fact, I've thought about that very thing several times. Because of my mother's situation, what my family is really dealing with is a Long Goodbye. It's a watching of her slowly going downhill and feeling helpless to make it easier. It's living with the knowledge that she may be here for years and years and end up at the point where she may not know her own family and will definitely be physically unable to even care for herself (she's pretty much at that particular point already). It's a not fun thing, for the record.
But it's a necessary thing. (Why are those sorts usually of the not-fun variety?)
I can't say as I understand why God allowed my family to go through this. But I do trust that He has his reasons and they are good. They are good.
God's Plan is always, always, always for our good and His glory! And as I type those words, as they sink in my heart and mind, I smile. Because that is one of the amazing things about Him. How good He is! How his love is so gracious and kind, even when we struggle to see it. It doesn't always feel that way, does it? Watching a loved one suffer makes you want to do something. You want to fix it! That's a natural reaction, and when we can't fix it, oh how it hurts. We cry out to Jesus and want to know "WHY?!" Sometimes He tells us why, sometimes we have to wait and then He'll tell us or show us, and sometimes we simply may never know.
But someone does.
Have you ever thought about that? Our lives impact everyone around us. Every single person we have any sort of contact with is affected by what we say and do, and how we respond to things. Most of the time we have no idea of this. I'm positive that I've affected several someones that I will never know about. Perhaps in good ways, perhaps not, but the effect is still there. Whether I know it, whether I don't, that doesn't matter. The action and response is already there and gone. And it's important! Every action I do, every word I say, it affects! God created us that way.
So why should my mother's Long Goodbye to this world be any different? It's not. Someone, somewhere, somehow, she's affecting them. She's affecting us! I can see the differences in our own family because of this. Some are good, some not so good, but the point is...we're affected. And if we are, then I'm sure there's other people. I've had multiple people tell me how much they admire her and how she's handled her limitations.
Which leads me back to my original point. Long goodbye's are hard, but necessary. And whatever reasons God has for them, as hard as they are, as much as you wish it wasn't happening, still God is good. He's got this. He'll be with us every step of the way, surrounding us with His love and His care. All we have to do?
Is trust.
2/13/16
Real or Not Real?
Now that I've reached beyond the two year mark on my Big Move, I've been looking back at the past two years a lot. Truthfully? It's been rough. (It has seemed exceptionally hard.) I knew, deep inside, that moving wouldn't be easy. I knew that I don't handle change very well. But I never realized exactly how hard it would be! In thinking about it, and in talking with some dear friends about it, I've come to realize that what I'm really doing at the moment is trying to find myself.
Who am I?
I thought I knew. But the past couple years have taught me that I didn't. I had this thought the other day that I think for the past several years I was in a very comfortable rut. I had my comfort zone and there was nothing pushing me out of it. I was content. I was floating and bobbing along, no huge worries, no major plot twists. Life was pretty good. Even though I had concerns for my mother, she was 3000 miles away, so it was incredibly easy to distract myself and not think about it. In fact? I think I was truly excelling at that. Not thinking about things. Which made it easy to just be. To not worry overmuch about who I was or what I wanted. Oh, I did think about it occasionally. But those happened few and far between.
Then I moved.
I shook up my pleasant little world. Every. Single. Entire. Bit of my life was shaken. There was no part left unchanged. All of a sudden, my comfy little rut had completely disappeared. I had new people to work with who demanded different things than I was used to. I had family depending on me for certain things. Things I hadn't had to think about on a daily basis for 11 years. 11 years is a long time to be in a rut! No wonder I miss it. It was a habit and I wanted it back, but had no idea how to even begin to do that.
So I drew in. Like a little turtle, I built my shell home and surrounded myself with things that made me happy in the past (books mainly) and I drew my head inside and there I stayed as much as possible. It has become my coping mechanism. Being solitary. Spending time alone. Crowds of people I know have come to intimidate me even more than it used to.
How crazy is that? That I tend to be more comfortable in a crowd of strangers than I do in a crowd of people I know? Because in the crowd of strangers, I can be alone but not alone. I'm with people, but don't have to actually interact with them unless I choose to. But in a crowd of people I know, I'm constantly self-conscious of what they think. I feel like it's a requirement that I talk with them. I worry that they'll judge me for not coming over to their group and saying hello. That they'll think I'm odd. That they'll find out exactly how bad I am at small talk. (I'm bad at it. Really bad.) On and on my mind whirls until I reach the desperation point and decide to just go home.
I'm getting slightly better at holding off that desperation point, but I still find myself there at times.
And yet!
For all the confusion and wondering I've done, God has been SO, so good to me. With a different job, that I love. With choosing to realize that the Enemy has been on my tail and I need to show him Who's Boss. With friends, new and old, who have made their love and concern known. With my niece accepting Jesus and making a whole new life change! (That one is extra special nice! :) And with these words of comfort from a favorite movie:
"I'm not perfect. But through it all, I have learned how to hold firm in a storm. Not by holding on to whatever I can find for as long as I can. But by trusting that the one thing that matters in this world will never let go of me. And Shane...that's what love is. Perfect love casts out all that pain, all that fear, and replaces it with hope." ~ Signed, Sealed, Delivered For Christmas
Hope!
That's real.
Who am I?
I thought I knew. But the past couple years have taught me that I didn't. I had this thought the other day that I think for the past several years I was in a very comfortable rut. I had my comfort zone and there was nothing pushing me out of it. I was content. I was floating and bobbing along, no huge worries, no major plot twists. Life was pretty good. Even though I had concerns for my mother, she was 3000 miles away, so it was incredibly easy to distract myself and not think about it. In fact? I think I was truly excelling at that. Not thinking about things. Which made it easy to just be. To not worry overmuch about who I was or what I wanted. Oh, I did think about it occasionally. But those happened few and far between.
Then I moved.
I shook up my pleasant little world. Every. Single. Entire. Bit of my life was shaken. There was no part left unchanged. All of a sudden, my comfy little rut had completely disappeared. I had new people to work with who demanded different things than I was used to. I had family depending on me for certain things. Things I hadn't had to think about on a daily basis for 11 years. 11 years is a long time to be in a rut! No wonder I miss it. It was a habit and I wanted it back, but had no idea how to even begin to do that.
So I drew in. Like a little turtle, I built my shell home and surrounded myself with things that made me happy in the past (books mainly) and I drew my head inside and there I stayed as much as possible. It has become my coping mechanism. Being solitary. Spending time alone. Crowds of people I know have come to intimidate me even more than it used to.
How crazy is that? That I tend to be more comfortable in a crowd of strangers than I do in a crowd of people I know? Because in the crowd of strangers, I can be alone but not alone. I'm with people, but don't have to actually interact with them unless I choose to. But in a crowd of people I know, I'm constantly self-conscious of what they think. I feel like it's a requirement that I talk with them. I worry that they'll judge me for not coming over to their group and saying hello. That they'll think I'm odd. That they'll find out exactly how bad I am at small talk. (I'm bad at it. Really bad.) On and on my mind whirls until I reach the desperation point and decide to just go home.
I'm getting slightly better at holding off that desperation point, but I still find myself there at times.
And yet!
For all the confusion and wondering I've done, God has been SO, so good to me. With a different job, that I love. With choosing to realize that the Enemy has been on my tail and I need to show him Who's Boss. With friends, new and old, who have made their love and concern known. With my niece accepting Jesus and making a whole new life change! (That one is extra special nice! :) And with these words of comfort from a favorite movie:
"I'm not perfect. But through it all, I have learned how to hold firm in a storm. Not by holding on to whatever I can find for as long as I can. But by trusting that the one thing that matters in this world will never let go of me. And Shane...that's what love is. Perfect love casts out all that pain, all that fear, and replaces it with hope." ~ Signed, Sealed, Delivered For Christmas
Hope!
That's real.
12/26/15
Poetry
Well! Seven months later I finally get back to this blog. *sigh* What a sad state of affairs, yes? I thought I'd have the time to at least post here occasionally! Perhaps 2016 will go better...
Meanwhile, here am I.
I've made it a newish tradition for myself to write a Christmas poem every year. The last couple of years it hasn't happened (what with moving craziness in 2013, and weird life, spiritual battles in 2014). I was contemplating for the past several months whether I'd get one written this year or not. When it comes to poetry, I'm one of the writers that has to get inspired to even be able to begin. Some writers can decide they're going to write a poem and sit right down immediately and write it. Me? Not so much. Something has to inspire me to get my creative juices flowing. I was about to despair that it wasn't going to happen for the third year in a row, but...!!!
Yes! A couple weeks ago I watched this lovely Christmas video from Bethel late one Saturday night and when I tried to go to sleep afterward, the words just started flowing. I knew if I didn't write them down immediately they would all be dissolved by morning. (I speak from experience, trust me.) So I wrote what I could that night and then the poem sat for a while. FINALLY earlier this week I got inspired again to finish it. (The life of a writer isn't easy, people. Just sayin'.)
When I shared the news on instagram, several people requested copies. One of my blogging friends (the lovely Jamie) requested that I post it somewhere. So here we are! I decided since I've neglected this space for so long I needed to jumpstart my writing here again. (Plus I know Jamie follows me here, or at least she did. She might have given up on me by now, in which case I don't blame her. Seven months is a LONG time!)
Anyway, here it is. I hope you enjoy.
Mary said yes, Joseph said yes, willing to do it all.
Willing to set themselves aside, willing to heed God's call.
While the world held judgments, curious minds, and questions everywhere,
Mary and Joseph chose God's way, willing their burden to bear.
Their choice was important, their hearts knew it well, they could not deny.
And so in a stable, crude and rough, a newborn began to cry.
Wrapped up tight, held in her arms, the sight of God in man,
Must have humbled their hearts and bent their knees as they held His tiny hand.
Immanuel, God With Us, a big name for One so small,
Yet His earthly father and mother knew He'd come to save us all!
So where are you in this story so big? Right next to the manger bed?
Are you shouting the news and sharing the joy, no matter what anyone's said?
Or do you seek safety in your comfy box, unwilling to step right out?
Scared to go? Has fear taken hold? Is your heart so full of doubt?
Just imagine the idea had Mary said no, what would've happened then?
YES, God could've worked a miracle still, could have come in human skin.
But oh, what a different story we'd have! Mary's choice changed her life.
If she'd said no, would she only be known as merely Joseph's wife?
And Joseph, the carpenter, where would he be? With no faithful step to take?
And you, my friend, do you know the import of the choice you have to make?
What will you do with Jesus? It means life or death for you.
He gave His life, now the question is, are you willing to give yours too?
Oh yes, you may turn your back on Him, He gives you choice most free.
But always, always He's standing there asking "What will you do with Me?"
~ Kara, December 2015
Meanwhile, here am I.
I've made it a newish tradition for myself to write a Christmas poem every year. The last couple of years it hasn't happened (what with moving craziness in 2013, and weird life, spiritual battles in 2014). I was contemplating for the past several months whether I'd get one written this year or not. When it comes to poetry, I'm one of the writers that has to get inspired to even be able to begin. Some writers can decide they're going to write a poem and sit right down immediately and write it. Me? Not so much. Something has to inspire me to get my creative juices flowing. I was about to despair that it wasn't going to happen for the third year in a row, but...!!!
Yes! A couple weeks ago I watched this lovely Christmas video from Bethel late one Saturday night and when I tried to go to sleep afterward, the words just started flowing. I knew if I didn't write them down immediately they would all be dissolved by morning. (I speak from experience, trust me.) So I wrote what I could that night and then the poem sat for a while. FINALLY earlier this week I got inspired again to finish it. (The life of a writer isn't easy, people. Just sayin'.)
When I shared the news on instagram, several people requested copies. One of my blogging friends (the lovely Jamie) requested that I post it somewhere. So here we are! I decided since I've neglected this space for so long I needed to jumpstart my writing here again. (Plus I know Jamie follows me here, or at least she did. She might have given up on me by now, in which case I don't blame her. Seven months is a LONG time!)
Anyway, here it is. I hope you enjoy.
Mary said yes, Joseph said yes, willing to do it all.
Willing to set themselves aside, willing to heed God's call.
While the world held judgments, curious minds, and questions everywhere,
Mary and Joseph chose God's way, willing their burden to bear.
Their choice was important, their hearts knew it well, they could not deny.
And so in a stable, crude and rough, a newborn began to cry.
Wrapped up tight, held in her arms, the sight of God in man,
Must have humbled their hearts and bent their knees as they held His tiny hand.
Immanuel, God With Us, a big name for One so small,
Yet His earthly father and mother knew He'd come to save us all!
So where are you in this story so big? Right next to the manger bed?
Are you shouting the news and sharing the joy, no matter what anyone's said?
Or do you seek safety in your comfy box, unwilling to step right out?
Scared to go? Has fear taken hold? Is your heart so full of doubt?
Just imagine the idea had Mary said no, what would've happened then?
YES, God could've worked a miracle still, could have come in human skin.
But oh, what a different story we'd have! Mary's choice changed her life.
If she'd said no, would she only be known as merely Joseph's wife?
And Joseph, the carpenter, where would he be? With no faithful step to take?
And you, my friend, do you know the import of the choice you have to make?
What will you do with Jesus? It means life or death for you.
He gave His life, now the question is, are you willing to give yours too?
Oh yes, you may turn your back on Him, He gives you choice most free.
But always, always He's standing there asking "What will you do with Me?"
~ Kara, December 2015
5/12/15
Heart Battles
They aren't for the weak! Because just when you think you've got it conquered, another spot rears its head.
I have a particular situation in my life. It affects an area of my heart that I've known was a struggle, but not until more recent times did I understand to what degree I'm fighting. Because it's a battle, my friend! No easy way around it or over it, I can only go through. (Much as I might wish otherwise.)
It's a battle that I've won actually. I've won and yet it comes back again. It doesn't give up. (Or should I say, he doesn't give up. Our adversary is very determined to get us back, isn't he?) My heart is still fearful. And just when I thought I could handle things, a mini skirmish happened and I came through with my fingertips barely holding on. I won, but it was a grit your teeth kind of win. A win that didn't really feel like a win.
Ever had that happen?
I just want to taste victory for more than a few days or a few weeks! Is that so much to ask?
And yet...
I read this post recently and here is my favorite part of it:
It's such a vast subject, love. And I am far from figuring it all out and definitely far from putting into proper application in my life! But I think that's it right there. Loving people in spite of anything. Here's another portion of the post that hit me:
Because it wouldn't mean half so much if our hearts didn't bleed.
Take this example: I have a dear friend. We've known each other for most of our lives, although we didn't truly become friends until our teens. But once we did, we just understood each other. And loved each other. But then something happened. I could make all kinds of excuses for myself, but all that really matters is that I hurt her. And I shouldn't have. We worked through it, praise the Lord! And now? Now. I count her as one of my closest friends. Our friendship is so much deeper and full of understanding that we never had before. And love we never had before. We walked through a fire and came out the other side slightly crisp but forged strong.
And that? That's what love does. That's what love is. Loving in spite of all else. In spite of the hurt. In spite of the pain. In spite of the frustration. In spite of the fear. Loving again and again and again. And even when we're hurt (again and again and again), going back and loving anyway. Loving hard!
That's real, my friends.
That's Jesus.
So in my battle, my fearful heart needs to remember that. Love anyway, dear old heart. I'm going to hurt, no doubt about it. There's bound to be pain (and possibly a great deal of it). But if I love anyway, if I love well......just imagine what glorious things may be in store!
Whether God is using this battle for purposes which include the people I'm loving, whether it's for a future purpose only He knows, or whether it's simply a battle to be fought so that Heaven will feel a lot more real to me, I don't know. But any which way it can go, this one thing I am clear on....
Love isn't meant for just one person.
Go.
I have a particular situation in my life. It affects an area of my heart that I've known was a struggle, but not until more recent times did I understand to what degree I'm fighting. Because it's a battle, my friend! No easy way around it or over it, I can only go through. (Much as I might wish otherwise.)
It's a battle that I've won actually. I've won and yet it comes back again. It doesn't give up. (Or should I say, he doesn't give up. Our adversary is very determined to get us back, isn't he?) My heart is still fearful. And just when I thought I could handle things, a mini skirmish happened and I came through with my fingertips barely holding on. I won, but it was a grit your teeth kind of win. A win that didn't really feel like a win.
Ever had that happen?
I just want to taste victory for more than a few days or a few weeks! Is that so much to ask?
And yet...
I read this post recently and here is my favorite part of it:
"The person in our lives most challenging to love...is the instrument for bringing us to the end of that plastic kind of love and the beginning of our own personal revelation of the cross as a doorway, not just a destination."So even though my (our) heart turns again and again to fear, yet God can still use that "thing" in our lives, that battle, to teach us (me) how to love more fully. I hadn't actually made that connection with my situation until I read that post, but now I'm pondering if that isn't what God is trying to teach me. (Or at least it may be one of His lessons? I'm sure I have many lessons awaiting me! :) Loving well.
It's such a vast subject, love. And I am far from figuring it all out and definitely far from putting into proper application in my life! But I think that's it right there. Loving people in spite of anything. Here's another portion of the post that hit me:
"...he or she...is only my greatest challenge if I believe that my eighty-something years on earth were intended for me only to know safe love--the world's version of love. If I am to receive and live a love that has known a shape and form that doesn't bend or break or bleed, then these ones are a real problem. A hindrance. But His love isn't plastic. And He said about me what He is saying to me about them. Go again."Love is hard, people. Love isn't the happy rainbows we imagine as a child. Loving someone, truly loving someone, is one of the most difficult things that God asks us to do. Why? Because it's worth it.
Because it wouldn't mean half so much if our hearts didn't bleed.
Take this example: I have a dear friend. We've known each other for most of our lives, although we didn't truly become friends until our teens. But once we did, we just understood each other. And loved each other. But then something happened. I could make all kinds of excuses for myself, but all that really matters is that I hurt her. And I shouldn't have. We worked through it, praise the Lord! And now? Now. I count her as one of my closest friends. Our friendship is so much deeper and full of understanding that we never had before. And love we never had before. We walked through a fire and came out the other side slightly crisp but forged strong.
And that? That's what love does. That's what love is. Loving in spite of all else. In spite of the hurt. In spite of the pain. In spite of the frustration. In spite of the fear. Loving again and again and again. And even when we're hurt (again and again and again), going back and loving anyway. Loving hard!
That's real, my friends.
That's Jesus.
So in my battle, my fearful heart needs to remember that. Love anyway, dear old heart. I'm going to hurt, no doubt about it. There's bound to be pain (and possibly a great deal of it). But if I love anyway, if I love well......just imagine what glorious things may be in store!
Whether God is using this battle for purposes which include the people I'm loving, whether it's for a future purpose only He knows, or whether it's simply a battle to be fought so that Heaven will feel a lot more real to me, I don't know. But any which way it can go, this one thing I am clear on....
Love isn't meant for just one person.
Go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)