Thoughts swirl
heart falters
words fail
Where do I go from here?
breathe in
breathe out
I will survive
with time
with faith
Clarity will come
He is worth it all


Selfish Grief

One thing people don't tell you about grief? (Or at least no one ever told me.) Is how selfish it can make you feel. Okay, so I know I have this Huge Thing taking up space in my insides. A Huge Thing that is a Big Deal, a Huge Thing that is unpredictable, unreliable, and unknown. All I can do is endure and survive my way through it. I get that. So yes, it has to be dealt with (because trust me, ignoring it does not make it go away!), but I've come to realize how selfish I tend to be about it.

Take for instance last weekend. I was having lunch with a table full of friends and while we were having great conversation, I kept feeling weird inside. Like I just had to bring up mom and how I was struggling. Which is not a bad thing! But we'd already talked about it, alluded to it, and that convo point was done. So I shouldn't want to keep talking about it. Except I did. And it was weird. I did not end up bringing it up again, but I've thought about it a lot this week.

I've been pondering this question: can grief make you more selfish? I mean, I know it's normal to want to talk about the loved one you've lost, I get that. And I do think it's good to talk about them. To talk about your feelings and how you're handling things. To keep it all bottled up would make things much worse for yourself. But! Don't you think it's possible to go overboard with that if you're not careful? I'm not sure, but I think so. Because at what point does it go beyond needing to talk about it to wanting to be the center of attention or wanting to be known for this Huge Thing. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but hopefully you get what I'm asking?

Yes, I need to get this stuff out of my head and my heart and put it out there so I can deal with it. Because leaving it inside is not dealing with it. But if I talk too much, if I constantly bring it up all the time (I mean, if I brought it up as many times as I think about it, I'd definitely be bringing it up ALL the time!), it becomes possible for me to make it all about me. And it shouldn't be all about me! I'm the one going through it, yes. But I'm not the only one! At least in my family for sure, and in general, lots and lots of people have lost loved ones really close to them. So if I make it all about me, that could have the possibility of me becoming full of myself or somesuch, plus it would take away from others who are dealing with their own grief. Which is a Bit Not Good, yes? Yes!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is I'm learning how careful I need to be. I need to survive my way through this Huge Thing, yet God needs to continue to be glorified in it as well! It needs to become all about Him, never about me. The enemy would have me think otherwise and I don't want to go down that road. So forgive me, dear Jesus, if I've already started that path, and please help me to get back on track. And thank You for loving me anyway!

He > me

For sure and for certain.