Even if

I've said before and I'll say again, change can be very hard. Not necessarily bad, just hard. And when that hard comes on top of the emotions already swirling inside? Yeah...

So! The newest bit in the ongoing (character-building...??) saga of my family? Dad's seeing someone. (Do you still call it "dating" when the couple in question are both in their 70s? Maybe...but it feels kinda weird to do so.)

Let me just get this out there immediately: Dad choosing to find a new friend to talk to and spend time with is not a bad thing! At all. It's just a weird thing. For me. A very weird thing for me.

I've known about it for several weeks now, only more people are finally beginning to find out. And I've been so very grateful that I've had time to adjust before they did. (For the record, I am way farther along the acceptance scale than I was five months ago or so, whenever it was he first let me know this might be his plan of action.) Because I've certainly needed that time. And I still need it, to be honest. I thought I'd jumped this emotional hurdle in this crazy race of adjustment and might finally be aiming for the next one. Instead? I've done an entire 180, circled out and around that particular one, and am currently running in place two hurdles back. *sigh*

Fluctuating emotions? Yep, that's me. Only I really wish it weren't!!

My cue that I might not be quite as Okay as I thought I was? My stupid brain wouldn't shut up the other night. I was wide awake (even while simultaneously feeling soooo sleepy. Yeah, not a good combo.) until at least 2am. Ugh. Every time I'd tell myself "Kara, you have to get up for work in just ___ hours! Go to sleep!" and lay my head down, my brain went, "Ahahahahahahaha." Humph.

Still, repeated hurdles or not, I am determined to get to Okay. And after that? To get to Happy and Thrilled and Yay. Got a bit of a ways to go yet, but I'LL GET THERE. Most importantly? I know God's going to get me there.

Have y'all heard Mercy Me's song, Even If? The lyrics are a beautiful reminder that God's got this and despite these annoying emotions of mine that refuse to listen to me (strangely enough, giving myself a stern talking to doesn't work...), if I actively choose to believe Him and trust that what He promises will come true...that's what He's waiting for. Me to choose it and to say so (out loud if need be).
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
My hope...your hope...our hope is Jesus. Nothing else matters. At the end of the day, fluctuating emotions and all, wherever dad's journey goes, wherever my own journey takes me, whatever may come in your life that may not look so rosy and definitely doesn't smell like one, Jesus has got this. He has EVERYTHING. Even the hard places are easier to bear with Jesus shouldering the burden. Because He will. Every single time you ask. And even when you don't. (I'm learning He actually carries so much more of our "stuff" than I ever realized. We never, ever, ever walk through anything or carry anything alone.) He. Will. Carry. You. (And me! :)

So I'm going to choose to trust Him.

Even if.

:: release ::

these tumbling thoughts
these anxious cares
these ideals of myself
(they keep me up unnecessarily)
I release them to You
& I rest
in Your peace
in Your calm
in Your love
in Your embrace
YOU are enough
& letting go is easy
I just have to choose it
choose YOU
(& not this stuff that wanders)
You've got this!
Why did I forget?



How does one put words to a feeling
All the vast differences
huge & known
loom fierce
& Believable
one phone call
one simple convo
open willingness for communication
& Common Ground
(faint though it may be)
proves still in the battle
Chasms dwindle
(with new bridges built over)
Hearts grow three sizes



hard things

You'd think that my heart would be quite sore by now, the way it rises and sinks depending on the day and the moment. It gets lots of good exercise, I can tell you that! If it's not my own emotions causing the upheaval, it's someone around me. And it seems a pretty near constant. *big sigh*

One of the hardest things, I have come to find, is allowing others their own free will. I know I have mine and goodness do I appreciate it most days, yet when it comes to someone else? When you see the choices they make and your heart hurts for the pain you know will come to them? When you see the twisty ways they circle in and around trying to make illogical and unreasonable excuses? When you want to shake them and force them to see how difficult they're making it for themselves?

Ah, my heart!

Life isn't actually that complicated, it's just that we humans tend to make it that way, sadly. And when I look at someone I care about and see the devastating places they are headed, the turmoil that could be nonexistent but for their own refusal to see....it saddens me. Because I can't make them see it. I can tell them and I can show them over and over and over, but until they are willing to break out from behind the walls surrounding them, until they choose to really listen and allow Truth to sink deep in their souls, I can do nothing but love them.

And pray, of course! {Which is the very best I can do anyway, so why do I tend to use it as a last resort? Silly me.}

I have been learning precisely how difficult it is to sit back and watch someone actively choose the hard way, to make themselves miserable, when help is but a single question away. It's just hard! And figuring out where to plant His seed and where to water and where to leave them alone so His work can be done without me distracting...it's not an easy road, is it? My heart is a tender thing, it loves fairly easily, I can't help it. And when you love someone, it makes you vulnerable to them. Which is not a bad thing at all! It just makes it easy for that someone to hurt you.

Vulnerable is what Jesus made Himself in the garden. (Remember that incredible intercessory prayer from John 17?) He makes Himself vulnerable to us again and again, every single day, so why wouldn't He ask the same of us? Of course He does. He wants us to love others and put ourselves out there. Even when it's hard. Even when it hurts. Even if they do or don't appreciate it, or we feel like they do or don't deserve it.

Love hard and love well, I think that's what He's telling us. And when God reaches down and reminds me that He's got this, that I can trust Him absolutely, oh how my soul sings with comfort!

So I begin again.

Loving anyway.



My heart is tender
It cares
& sitting there
listening to the
it hurts
it wrenches my soul
They choose this
day after day after day
they make Simple, Complicated instead
they are blinded
they are deaf
& I am tired
Fighting for someone is painful
So I pray
Long & Hard
Longer & Harder still
Only His Power & Strength are able
not mine
His Still, Small Voice
gently whispers
I want them to Hear
they believe lies, not Truth
Complicated can become Simple again
If I let go
Trust Him
The battle is His
not mine
He's got this
& it turns out
putting them in His care
is the easiest thing in the world


the edge of Okay

There are days
when Okay feels like the edge of a cliff
I'm clinging hard
arms wrapped tight
yet hovering a vastness incomprehensible
Fog's wispy fingers surround
& Peace is but an arm length away
So close
So far
Determination tightens my fingers
yet my strength feels inadequate
Crying out
tears dripping
and He's there
just waiting for me to call
Scooping me up
He becomes my strength
cradles my tired body
wipes my tears
Burying my face in His warmth
I cling
Okay will happen
as long as He's there