do it afraid

"Sometimes fear does not subside and one must choose to do it afraid."

~ Elisabeth Elliot

I think I'm finally accepting of this fact. Because that? That right up there is a true statement. A scary statement to be sure! But a true one.

Back when I was barely twenty-one and decided to move all the way across the country to California (again), I was fearless! I was ready for the grand, new adventure! I was certain it would be exciting and amazing and everything awesome....and I was right. I'm sure I had some fears, but they were of the normal, garden variety. You know, the wondering if I'd find a more permanent place to live than where I was starting out, the wondering if I would find a more permanent job than where I was starting out, the wondering if it would be as exciting as I anticipated or even more so? Nowhere in my thought processes do I remember wondering if God knew what He was doing. At no point do I recall ever really feeling scared. Ah, the fearlessness of youth!

But now I'm an adult. Now I'm a lot closer to 40 than I am to 30. (How wild is that?!) Now when I anticipate making a HUGE CHANGE to my life, there's a lot more fear involved!

Why is that?

At what point did I lose my fearless sense of adventure when contemplating change?

At what point did I begin listening to the enemy instead of my Father? Why do I tend to believe him over Him? (I know better than that.)

I don't know those answers. All I know is that somewhere along through my twenties, something changed inside of me. I felt it four years ago when I moved from California back to Virginia again. And I am definitely feeling it now when I'm anticipating a move to Thailand!

{Yes. You read that right. I am planning to move to Thailand in a few months. That is my Big Thing. (And trust me, it's huge!) But it'll only be for eight months or so! So it's a limited time adventure. But still a big adventure nonetheless!}

But back to fear. Or should I say un-courage. (Yes, I know that's not really a word. But I like it, so let's just go with it, shall we?) Or botheration! Whatever the word, I feel it. I have felt it all! (Well....maybe not all, but a whole lot of it!) That has been one of my biggest struggles in working through all the decision-making for Thailand. My own inability to just stop thinking so hard about it. I conjure up all manner of fear about this huge, new, adventure that I've never experienced before! And just when I conquer it in this corner of my heart, it springs up anew over there! I tell you, the enemy is seriously working overtime with this. He needs to STOP IT.

And yet, funnily enough I can find comfort even in that? Because if the enemy is working so hard, it must mean that God's got a really great plan in place for this new journey. A plan the enemy is out to stop at all costs. Only I'm not going to let him win this one! I'm determined to battle it out to the end! Because in grabbing my Brave and moving out, in spite of the fear, it's there God can work. It's there that amazing things can happen! It's there that I learn to let go of my self and let Him do it.

As one of my favorite author friends says, "Fear is just a flashlight to help you find your courage."

So I'm going to choose to do it afraid!

I'm probably going to quiver in my knees every single step. I guarantee there'll be some sweating anxiety in nuisance-y places. I'm certain my heart will be in my throat and it's gonna take an awfully long time for it to settle down again.

And yet...

I also know my Father will be with me every single step. (Last September, He gave me the most vivid and clear picture of His hand reaching down and holding mine. Proof that I won't be doing it alone! I won't be doing anything alone.) I know that where He's guiding (and He so clearly has been guiding this journey and not me! I'd've never imagined such a scenario actually happening in my wildest dreams.) will only lead me to places that will give growth and closer intimacy with Him. I know that it will be hard, but it will be worth it.

Because when God is involved? When Jesus steps out first and says all I have to do is simply follow Him? When the Holy Spirit continually gives scriptures to remind me that God's got this?

Why would I ever choose anything less?

KNOWING

Recently, my chiropractor and I were talking about the concept of just "knowing" when a person was the right one for you. He had only known his wife for two weeks when he was certain she was "the one". It's such an interesting concept to me, as someone who's single and had never felt that way about anyone. But I told him that I think, to a small degree anyway, that I finally understand that feeling.

You know my Big Thing? That Big Thing I've talked about before on here, many moons ago, but wasn't certain if I could overcome the fears to say yes to it? I finally said yes. Actually, I said YES! Because I get it now. I'd prayed for weeks that God would give me clarity regarding this decision. It was not something I wanted to flippantly decide and then regret later if it wasn't truly His Will for my life. And He answered! (Of course He did, He always does. :) Yet I had been struggling for weeks to reach that moment. And that single, undeniable moment happened when I suddenly realized that when I thought about this Big Thing, it was no longer "if" but "when". That moment I had a close friend sit down with me and begin asking all these questions she'd asked before and I'd been flip-floppy with my answers back then. Suddenly every single one of my answers came with no doubt inside at all. I was ready! I wanted to move forward and I finally wanted other people to know about it. So move forward I did! (And am still doing, currently.)

But it was that moment of knowing that I loved. That single, solid, no doubt, no fear, no questions, I just knew it was right. Finally. And I looked into my friend's eyes, where they were shining with pleasure for me that I'd reached this spot I'd been desiring for months, and my heart flipped upside down with fierce happy in that moment. For the record, I would have been fine (I think :) if His answer had been a solid NO! It was simply that I really, really wanted as much certainty as He would give me. I didn't want to feel wishy-washy about it, or flip-floppy about it. I wanted Certain! And Certain He gave.

So I get it now, friends. I'm sure my Know to go is probably a different sort from your Know to marry, but it's still a Know! A Know that I wanted so, so badly and about drove myself insane analyzing everything trying to get it. Yet, and isn't this so like our beloved Father, He simply waited for me to stop trying to think so hard and just rest. It wasn't until I rested and repeatedly told Him I'd trust Him to answer every time I began to swirl about in the head, that He gave me what I asked.

That was a powerful lesson that I hope I don't forget. Or if I do forget it that He'll patiently teach me again! How REST is so important. And trust.  I needed to stop trying so hard myself and just let Him work in His timetable. It wasn't easy, let me just say. But oh so worth it to finally reach that Know!

So if you're ever there, friends? If you're ever in a moment when a big decision is before you and you're trying to find certainty that God is leading you that direction and nothing else....can I just suggest perhaps some rest is needed? A conscious decision to stop all the thoughts and the wondering and the analyzing (because I can't be the only one who does that, right?), just simply stop and let Him prove it to you.

He will!

Oh my friend, how He will.

And when you're tempted to pick those thoughts right back up again, remind yourself that you're trusting God to make it clear and then let it go for the moment. If you're like me, then you might have to do this exercise 50 billion times a day, just so you know! But do it 50 billion and one if you have to. And set a time limit for this! Tell God that you'll stop for a certain period and when that time is up, you're going to ask Him again. Isn't that really a form of trust? He might tell you to keep resting for a week or three more, or perhaps a month, or even a year! But just keep revisiting it, and trusting that He. Will. Make. It. Clear.

And then you wait. And you pray. And time may sometimes seem to crawl during this period. Believe me, I know! But I am slooooooowly learning that in the waiting is where He does some of His best work. :)

So hold on, friend. You'll get there just like I did.

I know it.