May bittersweetness

Today marks a year since our journey began. Exactly a year ago today, mom went into the hospital and when she came home five days later, we knew it was for the last time. Wow. A whole year has gone by! I don't know that I dwell so much on all the particulars about how much I miss her every day, but I do think about her just about every single one. Life gets busy and it's funny the times that I'll think about how hard it's been, yet other times all I really think about is how much I miss her smile.

I don't know that anyone else in my family even remembers the exact dates like I do. But I haven't forgotten them. (Oh I probably will some day, but not yet.)

May 2nd, the day she went to the ER.

May 3rd, the night she went on the ventilator and scared all of us silly.

May 4th, the night we decided we wouldn't put her on a feeding tube.

May 6th, the day she came home for the very last time. What a bittersweet moment that was. All my family had been together just that afternoon, surrounding her bedside at the hospital, before one of my brothers had to leave. And the sweetness of being together, singing, praying, ah my heart. And then we brought her home. So wonderful to have her there, where she was most comfortable and so were we! (Hospitals can be nice places and the staff that week had been fantastic in their care of us all, but there's just no way to truly relax there.)

May 7th, early morning and late night, twice she woke up and giggled and laughed and tried to talk a little bit. Such sweet, sweet moments that I'll treasure forever.

May 8th, my last Mother's Day I got to spend with her. She had lots of visitors that day and was in and out of awareness.

And then each moment got more and more precious as they got fewer and fewer. Until that final moment when she let go. Forever.

This year, the month of May is bittersweet. Not in a bad way! I don't plan to burst into tears the entire month (I hope), but I've a feeling my emotions will be closer to the surface. And I'll think of her just a little bit more often.

I miss you, mom. And I love you, forever and always.