Embracing the Mess of My Before

I'm a mess. This Big Move and subsequent Big Change has felt like it's chewed me up and spit me out. There has been good in the past year, just so you know.

There's been great actually! And happy!

But inside? I'm still a jumbled up mess. Still confused where I'm headed. Still unsure where to place my next footstep. Feeling like there's a Plan (because I know God has one), but unable to see what it is yet. And frustrated because I think I should be knowing and stepping and feeling sure.

Don't compare! says everything I read. And that's true. I know it's not good to compare my life with someone else's, because they have different things they're going through than I. We've faced different situations and different choices.

But still.

Do you know how easy it is to do that? When I'm feeling stuck in a spot that I'm not enjoying? My heart cries out that there has to be more! There has to be so much more than just going through each day, working to make money so I can buy one more book or one more Starbucks Chai Tea (those things are good). When the people all around me seem to be headed in a direction (whatever it may be) and I'm still here treading water....

That moment is where it's really hard not to compare.

Still. I do know that I haven't seen all their Before. I'm just looking at their After. And the After always looks settled and figured out (probably because it usually is). I have to keep trusting that I'll have an After some day. ("You will," says future Kara. Meanwhile, present Kara is still hoping.)

So here am I. All up in a tizzy when there's people dying in other countries. (In my own country!) When I type that sentence.....when I think that sentence, I am reminded once again how blessed I am. And somebody else could be looking at my Before, thinking that it's my After, because their Before is much more sobering than mine.

Ouch.

See? This is why I write. Because getting my thoughts down in words allows me to see precisely what a "selfish creature" I can be. And how grateful I should be. Pardon me while I gather my selfishness, give it to Jesus, and determine to accept the mess I am so I can love others no matter what. Answers or no answers, God's got this.

Why am I so worried again?