Even if

I've said before and I'll say again, change can be very hard. Not necessarily bad, just hard. And when that hard comes on top of the emotions already swirling inside? Yeah...

So! The newest bit in the ongoing (character-building...??) saga of my family? Dad's seeing someone. (Do you still call it "dating" when the couple in question are both in their 70s? Maybe...but it feels kinda weird to do so.)

Let me just get this out there immediately: Dad choosing to find a new friend to talk to and spend time with is not a bad thing! At all. It's just a weird thing. For me. A very weird thing for me.

I've known about it for several weeks now, only more people are finally beginning to find out. And I've been so very grateful that I've had time to adjust before they did. (For the record, I am way farther along the acceptance scale than I was five months ago or so, whenever it was he first let me know this might be his plan of action.) Because I've certainly needed that time. And I still need it, to be honest. I thought I'd jumped this emotional hurdle in this crazy race of adjustment and might finally be aiming for the next one. Instead? I've done an entire 180, circled out and around that particular one, and am currently running in place two hurdles back. *sigh*

Fluctuating emotions? Yep, that's me. Only I really wish it weren't!!

My cue that I might not be quite as Okay as I thought I was? My stupid brain wouldn't shut up the other night. I was wide awake (even while simultaneously feeling soooo sleepy. Yeah, not a good combo.) until at least 2am. Ugh. Every time I'd tell myself "Kara, you have to get up for work in just ___ hours! Go to sleep!" and lay my head down, my brain went, "Ahahahahahahaha." Humph.

Still, repeated hurdles or not, I am determined to get to Okay. And after that? To get to Happy and Thrilled and Yay. Got a bit of a ways to go yet, but I'LL GET THERE. Most importantly? I know God's going to get me there.

Have y'all heard Mercy Me's song, Even If? The lyrics are a beautiful reminder that God's got this and despite these annoying emotions of mine that refuse to listen to me (strangely enough, giving myself a stern talking to doesn't work...), if I actively choose to believe Him and trust that what He promises will come true...that's what He's waiting for. Me to choose it and to say so (out loud if need be).

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

My hope...your hope...our hope is Jesus. Nothing else matters. At the end of the day, fluctuating emotions and all, wherever dad's journey goes, wherever my own journey takes me, whatever may come in your life that may not look so rosy and definitely doesn't smell like one, Jesus has got this. He has EVERYTHING. Even the hard places are easier to bear with Jesus shouldering the burden. Because He will. Every single time you ask. And even when you don't. (I'm learning He actually carries so much more of our "stuff" than I ever realized. We never, ever, ever walk through anything or carry anything alone.) He. Will. Carry. You. (And me! :)

So I'm going to choose to trust Him.

Even if.