I wish...

:: I wish I could just be Okay.
:: I wish that I didn't get tired of answering the same questions from family and friends and repeating the story a gazillion times.
:: I wish they didn't all say the same sorts of things that I've heard again and again.
:: I wish they understood that I know that God's in control. (It's just hard to remember that some moments. He understands though. I believe that with all my heart.)
:: I wish they would've told mom how they felt about her when she was still here, rather than visiting after she was gone and telling me how much she meant to them. (I appreciate hearing that. I do. But mom would've too. In fact, I think she needed to have heard those sorts of things in the recent months before she left, but she didn't. And that hurts me too.)
:: I wish I didn't feel hurt over things not said or not done for her while she was still here.
:: I wish I knew how to even begin to express that to everyone. (I know they all mean well. I know a lot of them don't know our journey and out of love and concern they wish to know how to pray. I know they don't know what to say. I know that. I understand that. But my feelings are real and non-negotiable. I wish I could change them to be what I want.)
:: I wish I could tell everyone who's been praying for my family how very much we appreciate that.
:: I wish I could tell them how much it means to know we're loved.
:: I wish I could tell them what all the hugs, text messages, phone calls, and blog comments mean to me.
:: I wish I even had words to describe what I'm feeling.
:: I wish the anger and fear I'm processing would go away.
:: I wish the things that frustrate me would stop doing that.
:: I wish I understood how I can cry and smile at the same time.
:: I wish I could cry it all out and get over it. (But I know getting over it isn't possible. Ever. You don't just get over losing your mother.)
:: I wish I could talk to her again.
:: I wish I could hug her again.
:: I wish I could just spend time in her presence again.
:: I wish I could see her smile one more time.
:: I wish I knew what to say to dad.
:: I wish I could make his grief better.
:: I wish I knew how to make things better for my brothers.
:: I wish I knew how to explain grief to my nieces and nephews.
:: I wish I understood how grief works.
:: I wish I knew what to say to those who ask me about her.
:: I wish I knew how to fill those Awkward Silences.
:: I wish I didn't react so strongly to things right now because my emotions are so near the surface.
:: I wish I even understood myself.
:: I wish I knew what to tell people when they ask how I'm really doing.
:: I wish I could just be Okay.

I wish, I wish, I wish. I wish so very many things! But here I am. Unable to make any of that happen. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and step. Sometimes it's a big step, sometimes I move barely an inch. But I am moving. That counts, right?

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